Invisible...

I’m in the farthest corner of the room right now. I’m watching the sea of people crash into each other just like the waves that crash onto the shore. And just like the waves, they make noises that are very hard for me to decipher. All I hear is gossip and nonsense gibberish and they seem to enjoy it. Everyone has their own clique. They have their own circle of friends. Everybody belongs to something…except for me. I don’t fit into anything. I just CAN’T fit in.

Do you ever feel like nobody wants to be friends with you? Do you feel like you’re a walking bubble of negative energy that repels everyone who comes near you? I hope not. But if yes, well then welcome to my world! Welcome to feeling alone in a room full of people! (Smiling sarcastically)

If you’d ask me, yes, I have friends. I even spend the whole day with them. But even how happy they can be, it seems that I still don’t belong. It’s like there’s a wall in between me and them. I listen to all the chitchats they’re having and laugh at their senseless jokes. But I think that’s the only thing I do. I can’t talk. And I want to talk about so many things to them. It’s just that nobody cares. Nobody ever dares to listen. If I talk, everyone’s talking and laughing too. If we go somewhere, they always leave me behind as if I’m not around; it's as if I’m not with them. It’s like I’m the one chasing people around like a desperate little puppy looking for a home when she lost her mom. And I hate that feeling! I hate the feeling of chasing around!

It seems that no one can see me. Nobody listens to me. Not even one person makes a move to ask if I feel okay. They only ask me what’s wrong if they see that I’m on the verge of crying. Why, people?! Am I invisible? ‘Cause it’s like I am to you. But if I’m invisible, why the heck can I still see my reflection in the mirror? Or am I the only one who can see my own reflection too?

I’m not craving or begging for everyone’s attention on me. It’s just that I hate not being listened to, I hate being ignored when in fact I notice every person who comes near me and I listen to every rant they blabber about. But when it’s my time to talk, nobody has the time to hear me out. EVERYONE’S SELF-ABSORBED. I’m even self-absorbed for complaining about everyone not talking to me.

Now I’m sitting in the farthest corner of the room, watching people laugh and talk as if they’re making fun of me, laughing at me… mocking me. I guess I’m meant to be alone…to be lonely. I don’t think I can trust anyone in this wretched place full of fake, deceptive humans. Right from the start, I was the one being played on by everyone. I open up myself to someone and I let them see my weaknesses because I trust them that much. Then in a split second, they disappoint me. They make me regret trusting them. I guess I’ll just be by myself and take a solo flight in this freakishly terrifying life. Being alone is less depressing than having friends who make you feel so low. It’s even more relieving than to be around with those people who call you a friend but leave you around like trash. Being a wallflower is way better than to be someone who acts all fake just to get everyone’s attention. I might as well stay invisible. Maybe being invisible has its own perks. So, goodbye for now. I'll just stay right here in this corner and continue being unseen.

17th...

See? Happiness.

May 10, 2013 – it is a sunny Friday morning. I wake up groggily and found my phone ringing wildly beside me. I read the messages and they all say, “Happy Birthday!” Oh great, it's my birthday. Who the heck would forget their birthdays by the way?

 I'm extremely drained from all the travelling just because of the UP pre-enrolment. So I asked myself, "Will I make plans with my friends or maybe I could just sleep all day...on my birthday?" Then my parents come into my room and smothered me with hugs, kisses and a bunch of greetings. Too bad they don't have a present for me, though. Nah, I'm just kidding. HAHA.

But I did get sad...just a little. I never found any of my friends’ names on my inbox. I think they forgot. So I call them up and told them what day it is. Do you know what's worse? They never even bothered to greet me. Hey, it's my birthday! Could you just give me a bit of considerations here?! My friends really are awesome, huh? Despite the pranks they're having on me and even though I'm tired, I ask them if we could go to Kampo Juan – a famous place in Bukidnon where you can try to ride a bicycle on wire, zipline, and pass through a hanging bridge above the towering mountains. I've never been there yet. I told them it's my birthday wish.

Phew. I'm glad they said yes. In my mind I said, "Dora, come on, vamonos! Let's go an adventure!" As I'm going to one of my friends' house, I called her and said I'm on my way. She thinks I'm bluffing or something. So I ring the doorbell. She sees me and shrieks like a kid who got her toy stolen. She hasn't even taken a bath yet. Then my other friends arrive. They have those 'sarcastic-slash-disappointed-slash-mad' faces written all over them. Then one of them tells me, "You messed up with our plans!!! Shunga!" I just laughed at them.They were supposed to be the ones who should surprise me. Instead, they were the ones who were left wide-eyed. HAHAHAHAHA. If you only saw their faces...

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I ask them, "Are we all ready for the trip?" I think I'm too stupid to ask them that question. Of course they are! So, we invade the adventure park, started taking pictures, and shared some laughter and chitchats. Though it is tempting to try the ziplines and pass through the frightening hanging bridge, we haven't because we don't have the greens to pay 'em. But that did not stop us from enjoying the place. We started running around the greenery like little kids. Then the rain starts to fall hard so we looked for some shelter.

Then the rain stopped. Okay, I think it's time to go home now. The fun's over...or maybe not yet. We rummaged through our friend's kitchen cabinets and found some bag of chips and ramen. Let the pigging out begin! And that's how the day ends...or not.

They were writing their birthday messages for me

During the night, my phone starts buzzing. Ugh. "Who's stupid enough to call me at this time of night?!" I complain. Then I see his unsaved number  flashing on my phone screen. Oh, great. It's my ever-annoying old flame. I pick up the phone and placed it on my ear. I hear his breathing over the static. He says, "Happy birthday, Rik...." I feel my heart throb faster than the chug-chug-chug of a steam-powered train. He starts singing some love songs we used to listen to so I started laughing.  Hearing him sing makes me feel the cold rush of nostalgia run through my veins. The phone call lasted for an hour and I fall asleep.

So that was how I celebrated my seventeenth birthday. Nothing grand really happened. There were no flashy presents and emotional messages. But for me, every second of that day was special. They were  the memories that were worthy to keep. The laughter was real and natural, the moments were simple yet priceless, and the happiness – genuine.

Everything that happened on my birthday made me realize one thing – to treasure every second you spend with your loved ones. Every moment you spend with them is a moment you would never replace with other things. You never know what may happen next. And those timeless, priceless moments, they will never happen again, ever. Make every second count. Because sometimes in life, those little things pass off in a blink of an eye. You may just realize that they were the big things that you shouldn’t have missed.

Big Spender

We all have those bad habits that we really need to break yet we can't no matter how hard we try. We always do those guilty pleasures then feels remorse right after. Do you have one in mind? Yes? Well, I have one too -- spending too much. I don't know how to budget my money.

My family's not rich, by the way. But when I start to get a grip on some amount of money, I'm itching to buy something; anything that I see as nice, cute or fascinating. Just like this afternoon, I went to the supermarket, only having the intention to buy a bottle of conditioner. So I thought "Nah, it wouldn't reach 150 pesos." But heck, I have 500 pesos in my pocket. I thought of what other things that I could buy and started rummaging through the store. I only thought of spending 300 pesos. I was shocked when I paid my groceries. In just a click and a clack of the cash register, BOOM! My 500 pesos turned into a canister of potato chips, a pack of chocolate wafer sticks, a bottle of juice, a pack of wet wipes, a water bottle, the supposed to be the only thing I bought -- the conditioner, and a box of cute, colored band-aids. I know you'd wonder why I bought band-aids. And I really have nooooo idea what I could tell you. I just bought it 'cause they're cute. See? And you know what, I regretted buying the water bottle. Ugh. 

What I'm doing is really such a bad habit. I need to break it as soon a possible before I could spend money on animal-shaped rubber bands I just found at the bookstore earlier this afternoon. I'm far away from my parents and they're working hard to send me some allowance. Then I'm here, spending the money recklessly on some cute little band-aids.  Does anyone have some tips on how I could control myself?